I wonder
Not a wanderlust,
But wonder what I’ve lost
Without the physicality of losing anything
I worry that I have lost everything
Who I am is different than who I might of been
Who I could have become, if I started again
Choices would change or stay the same
Didn’t withhold at times, but others refrained
What if I gained more, but lost meaning
What if I gained meaning, but regressed in feelings
I could live two lifetimes, but in the end, it feels like a dream
Would I be iron or come unstitched at the seams
I look back with a “what if” mentality
But what if my “what if” drove me to insanity
Hindsight is intrusive, my thoughts illusive
My regrets become stronger and persuasive
But I am here, in this moment.
Can’t change it, have to own it
“Who am I” quickly becomes “why am I”
“Why am I” turns into fear of everything unrealized
I am a being continuously in search of self-realization
That I am not a cog in a never ending rotation
A slow decomposition of flesh and bones
I am a proven test of being surrounded, yet alone
Navigating through the cosmos at the speed of life
Darkness consumes my soul as I see the nothingness of night
Sight no longer directs my flight, so I fight my demons, address my plight
I am the only version of myself. Reflected off the energy of those around
I fall down, face hits the ground, can’t move, feel helpless and bound
Weighted by the self-inflicted burdens of my indecisions
They become deep sharp pains, soul full of invisible incisions
I drown in the well of dwelling on things that never were
Gasping for air, but the only one pushing me under is my reflections stare
As time ticks on, I spend future moments still in the past,
Life speeds too fast, I cry out, but all I hear is silence, I won’t last
And just when I think despair I have found
I am picked off the ground by the sound
Of the hearts that palpitate around
Accepting my Imperfections and all
I hear a call, I run to it and the light, but fall
Like a fawn, learning to walk, I stumble forth
I feel the weight of my self-doubt melt from my self-worth
I am alive. I can’t control the tides of time and reverse my being
I can only continue from this moment forward, use my heart for seeing
Pendulum swings, I feel free, unshackled from everything
But my thoughts try to invade like that of a Persian fleet
I stand my ground, head high and plant my feet
Defeat will not besiege me, I fight with the might of my past
With the memories of the souls and energy like a spell cast
Who I have become is my strength, not who I could of been
Established being, have felt lost, but with every step, my journey I begin
I fight with the might of memories that survive the test of time
I own this life, all of it’s glories and imperfections, they are mine.
