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I wonder

Not a wanderlust,

But wonder what I’ve lost

Without the physicality of losing anything

I worry that I have lost everything

Who I am is different than who I might of been

Who I could have become, if I started again

Choices would change or stay the same

Didn’t withhold at times, but others refrained

What if I gained more, but lost meaning

What if I gained meaning, but regressed in feelings

I could live two lifetimes, but in the end, it feels like a dream

Would I be iron or come unstitched at the seams

I look back with a “what if” mentality

But what if my “what if” drove me to insanity

Hindsight is intrusive, my thoughts illusive

My regrets become stronger and persuasive

But I am here, in this moment. 

Can’t change it, have to own it

“Who am I” quickly becomes “why am I”

“Why am I” turns into fear of everything unrealized

I am a being continuously in search of self-realization

That I am not a cog in a never ending rotation

A slow decomposition of flesh and bones

I am a proven test of being surrounded, yet alone

Navigating through the cosmos at the speed of life

Darkness consumes